Miss Divine

Mumbai Local

2008-05-02T16:02:00.002+05:30

Mumbai locals hold a whole world inside

Today morning I met an old sister. She asked me if ladies compartment stops at certain place. I wasn't sure coz I'm not used to trains so much.
I told her a tentative spot. After buying a newspaper I saw her reaching the spot with another lady.
I smiled with the sister and stood there. The lady, in her late 30s stood without any expression.
In Mumbai people don't speak to each other very easily. Not for any other reason but I guess the minds are already so crowded, people find it difficult to it. Why would anyone like add another thing to think for.
Three of us stood there without saying a word. in our own thoughts.
In-between unconsciously somehow I looked at the face of the lady. There was a tear in it. And she was trying her best to stop it.
It fell down and she wiped her eye.
Yeah, in another open world I would've gone and held her by her shoulder and asked her if everything was ok. And in another world she wud've spoken heart to me too...
In this world I gave her some space by not looking at her...

In the train I helped the old sister to get a seat and carried her bag in, which was a bit heavy.

As the women started pouring in on each station, the sister was getting worried about how she'll get down. I assured her I would help her.

I asked her what she does.
She doesn't do anything now. She can't see properly. Can't read, can't see faces clearly and can't even stitch a button on her dress. So now she takes care of the garden. And she prays. For all the people of this world.

I wish she has the lady in her prayers today.

***

2008-04-26T12:50:00.000+05:30

I got a call on my desk.
‘Whose no. is it? I got a missed call from here’
I knew I hadn’t made any calls that day.
‘When did you receive the call?’
‘Some time back’
‘Your name?’
‘This is Shyam from Bangalore’
I tried to figure out if I did make any calls to any candidates for interview…
Ok. I understood. He is a junior of mine from the institute, now living in with his girlfriend, also his batch mate. They must be together now for more than 6/7 years.
I had called her almost a month back and she had called me too regarding some urgent work. After that we haven’t spoken.
‘Shyam, hi, its me. it must be a call from last month…’
‘Oh yea, ok, I din’t check the date in a hurry. How are you, whats up etc.’

I get the picture alright.
Shyam must’ve found my no. in her cell phone bill and he was only spying on her.

Men. They are all the same.

***

The Taj

2008-04-10T11:55:00.004+05:30

I've been longing to see the Taj Mahal since years.
Made plans many times and reached till Delhi but somehow couldn't go ahead. Guess there had to be a time when I would see it.
So finally it was time.
So far whenever I though of seeing the Taj I always thought of it as beautiful, marvelous and thought I would be spellbound when I see it. Or I imagined I would even have tears in my eyes looking at the white monument of love.
When I actually saw it... it was nothing like that.
Beautiful? Yes.
Marvelous? Yes.
But that's all.
Or probably I needed to spend more time with it to really understand it.
Guess I needed to be with it to know how beautiful it is, to let it speak to me and touch me.

The Taj... I do find it like love. You get too close and it surrounds you so much, you can't see. You give distance, let it be on its own and then you can actually see for what it is.
The beauty of the Taj isn't in the monument. But go little away, see it with the landscape, on the banks of Yamuna or in a landscape filled with people doing their chores and suddenly you feel it, it speaks to you, touches you and you love it.

***

Helpless

2008-03-20T16:51:00.000+05:30

A helpless feeling
to see someone sleeping without food
tonight, and night after night

To see an adolescent getting beaten up by her own family
for the immature mistake she made

Its a helpless feeling to see a sad face
early on a sunny morning
a face lost in its own story
aloof from the surroundings
a sad face
worrying that another day's started
without a single hope

***

She

2008-03-20T16:25:00.001+05:30

She haunts me
my every moment
She haunts me and doesn't even know it

In my dreams and when I wake up
when I cook
and when I eat
and when I leave some food in the plate just coz I'm too full, or simply coz I din't like it..?

That night she told me she hadn't had anything since yesterday noon

I doubt if she has had any food before that

I donno if she sleeps hungry even tonight

I feel so selfish, and so evil
when I wear different clothes everyday
and a bag and shoes to match

I see the city girls going anorexic
and I see her frail swaying body unable to stand
all that’s left of her is bones and skin

I feel guilty for all the little comforts I take for granted

She haunts me with her large big eyes
so deep and so wide as if they never close

She sleeps in a dark alley
An alley full of parked trucks
An alley where I'm afraid to go even in the daylight

While looking for her I asked the truck drivers around if they saw a girl around
They said yes, there is an old woman sleeping there
An old woman? Why can't I see if she's really old?
Doesn't she age?

I asked her what she wants...
such a vague question... there could have been many answers...money.. a ticket to her home town may be...
anything a poor lonely frail body on a footpath can think of

she asked for nothing but a gown.
a long night gown.
so she doesn't have to worry about the blouse going off the boney shoulder
or the torn petticoat

Is she mad?
May be not
Certainly not.
She knows what she needs and exactly what she needs.
just a handful of food and a night gown.

***

2008-01-08T12:43:00.000+05:30

Suddenly there’s so much space around and so much time
I run through the empty rooms searching for my echo

***

Let me be

2008-01-02T15:31:00.000+05:30

I’m a wild flower
Don’t pluck me
Don’t bonsai me
I’ll die,
I’ll definitely die on your desk

I’m like sand
You try to grab, I slip away
Just let me be
& when the wind calls,
Let me flicker

I am the wind
The air everywhere
The aimless breathless thoughtless wind
Don’t build a home for me
Don’t fence me,
I’ll suffocate
Just breathe me in
& breathe me out
& I may just linger around

***

Few from the course

2008-01-02T12:19:00.000+05:30

Yep from the meditation course. You aren't supposed to write there but as you grow in it you know the rights from the wrongs

***

You said our lives are parallel
I said, They used to be,
they’ve just turned an inch apart

***

I’d left life somewhere incomplete
I’m reborn
But life is still unchanged probably
Time to gather the free ends
Continue the unfinished stories
And hopefully take them somewhere and even more hopefully, Nowhere.

***

A day is my life

2007-12-14T13:13:00.000+05:30

The universe behaves like the tiniest atom it’s made of.
You can see the qualities of a bigger or the biggest thing in the smallest of its particle,
So must be it for time and everything that changes with it.

Like my day.
My one day must be like my whole life.
And if I can’t spare time for something that’s important to me Now, how can I be sure I’ll do it later.
If I can include or exclude something from my day, it’ll be included in or removed from my life; isn’t it?
After all life IS made of each single day we live.

***

A jacket

2007-11-17T15:45:00.000+05:30

- Are you going out like this? Look at yourself in the mirror. You look… ugly

- Oh do I? I don’t feel so

- No, not how you feel. I mean you ‘Look’ ugly

- How can that be? Someone just complemented that I look good

- They would’ve said ‘Better’

- No, it was ‘Good’, they said, ‘Nice’

- Listen to me, you need to cover up

- Cover up what? I love this body; I’m not ashamed of it.
I accept it as it is and I feel good in it.

- What if people see you? You need to hide

- I hid for a long time. Let me breathe now.
Let me feel. Let me live. Let me be

***

2007-08-24T17:05:00.000+05:30

I may find some time between my lunch and meeting. Yeah I would be traveling, but no problem, you can talk to me then.
You see that place beside the shelf? No not there. There, the slit between the shelf and the door. Yeah, you can fit in there.
Ok, I must leave. Some day on my way back I might bump into you. You can meet me then.

***

Gestation

2007-08-24T11:17:00.000+05:30

A blank canvas
A womb awaiting
Fertile earth
And mind without a thought

***

Gestation

2007-08-24T11:11:00.000+05:30

What is it that I really want to do
I ask myself in the deepest of silence

I look out of the window and see a HUGE cloud
A cloud as big as the sky
Moving
Towards me

***

2007-07-14T17:04:00.000+05:30

C()nFu$eD

2007-07-14T16:38:00.000+05:30

Sometime the whole life can pass you by and still you may not learn a thing
And sometimes a fleeting moment teaches you so much, you grow up

***

Rajani in Shivaji :-)

2007-07-07T14:54:00.000+05:30

More pics on my photoblog- pinkponytails

Oooh that's my visual DNA :-)

2007-07-04T14:34:00.000+05:30

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

30

2007-07-03T11:02:00.000+05:30

It feels good to be thirty.
No Thirty isn’t Dirty
May be Forty is, but no, not thirty

Thirty is…
Not the desire to grow up of nine
Neither the nervousness of thirteen
Nor the confusion of sixteen
It isn’t the newness of eighteen or the impatience of twenty

Yeah there still is the restlessness and nerve of fifteen

Thirty is just thirty
A complete figure
Not too much not too less
Independent and absolute
All the senses in place
With head and heart doing their best

***

I run

2007-07-03T10:31:00.001+05:30

To close the tap, to turn the knob
To catch a bus
To meet a deadline
Beat the competition
I run to be ahead
I run & I run & I run
There comes a time when there is no need to run anymore
& yet I find myself running
I run ‘coz I have been running
Coz I can’t stop
Probably coz I’m afraid of a halt or slowing down now
May be coz I don’t know how it would be if I stopped
The thought is scary
And so I run
Keep running
Until another such thought hits
and I beat it with my speed

***

Few old ones that I found as notes in my cellphone

2007-07-03T10:15:00.000+05:30

I will disappear
Slowly Silently
You won't even realize I existed ever

***

My whole world was lost
and yet something remained
The ashes

***

I roam in my own city
Like a wanderer
I stand outside the fence
and see myself doing things I did about 20 years ago

***

If it had to happen, it would have happened
Easily and naturally
May be there is something else I fail to notice
May be the plan is something else

***

Rains and chills

2007-06-30T10:38:00.000+05:30

After a long journey of about an hour and a half I’m in office. The roads are filled with water. The rain hasn’t stopped in last many hours and if I’m in office its only because there’s a hope that we’ll be asked to leave early. And of course ... yeah its so damn boring to just be at home.

I'm putting some pics of the rain today on the photoblog. Don't you know http://pinkponytails.blogspot.com/ yet? What a waste!
Anyway.

So I am in office with my clothes dried under the hand drier in the loo. With a warm jacket and socks and 2 shawls :-) and a dry pair of shoes I’m tucked in comfortably in my chair.
Its good to have this extra stock in office in the rainy days.

Yeah the stuff keeps you warm and you feel fine; but you especially feel good when you see others in their drenched clothes, feeling cold in the ac hahahaha
So mean! Nah! just joking.

Well but yeah just a lil bit good ;-)

***

Nothing stops

2007-06-30T10:19:00.000+05:30

Woohooo I am back.

The sun still continues rising every morning,
In the blue sky or under gloomy clouds
The rain doesn’t stop
With a dreamy rainbow or in a Mumbai traffic jam
The trees stand tall
Dancing with the breeze or drenching in the downpour
Nothing stops
Doesn’t make a difference what you feel like
Everything goes on
The clock keeps ticking and Life moves on
Nothing stops
And so I’m back

***

something something

2007-06-22T16:17:00.000+05:30

I remember. Megha, my childhood buddy came running to me and said a girl in the next building has died. A little girl, of our age probably, or I guess little younger.
I don’t remember any sadness but we both went rushing to see her... or probably to see how death looks.
We peeped in from the door. She was there on the floor, only her face uncovered. Megha and I stared at her for what seemed like a long time. I think I was trying to see if she’s really dead. For a moment I saw her head move slightly and we ran from there.

***

Nikhil’s mum had a diary. She would show it to me to show different songs she had copied down that used to be played on radio. It must be an old diary.
Along with each song she had very neatly written day, date and the colour of saree she wore for work that day.

***

In the rains we kids would see where most of the water flows down from the hill that was so close to my house.
I remember we called the muddy water chay – tea; and actually used to be so exhilarated to see so much chay flowing down the hill.
After we were back from getting drenched in the rain, all tired after building a dam or at least a bridge for the chay-water we would get spanked, and we would call it a Six :-) mum used to laugh while doing this. I din’t understand this one.
So like… she actually enjoyed that we tried to build a dam or a bridge and she knew she has to do her duty by letting us know that its kinda not cool to get drenched in rain.

***

Oh people come in varied colours!
When I feel down there are few who speak at length to me. Try to dig out, as if to understand the problems I have. I did get a feeling but wasn’t sure of it, I thought for a moment that they enjoy it secretly.
But now when I see them indifferent when I feel good, I’m sure that yes, they did enjoy my bit of problems.

***

There are voices in my head. They come somewhere from the right side. Too many voices, whispering, talking, shouting… a big commotion. Probably they are telling me something… I want to listen to them. Oh but this fan makes so much noise. Let me switch it off so I can hear clearly.
I donno what happened. I switch off the fan and the voices fade away; as if afraid that I’ll overhear them.

***

Or may be its just some chatter

2007-06-19T16:26:00.000+05:30

Guess it’s that time in my life
When I should go on picking up clues and keep walking. Reaching anywhere doesn’t really matter.
Or may be its just some chatter

hmmm should I go out in the open skies
On a bank of a river
Or anywhere
Pick up a stone and throw in the water
See how it bounces
And try to imitate on the grass
See a lil girl watching me from a window
Should I just go and search for the window?
Her mom offers me tea so hot
I should just grab it and say Thanks a lot
She would mention about the fair she’s goin to
Something reminds me the song ‘Majhi re majhi, ramiya majhi’
I donno why I think of this song now
May be I’m gonna see the ‘jogi’ there in the fair
The fair makes me meet a jogi,
a clown and a monkey who chuckles
A photo studio, giant wheel and a man,
so grown up and still playing with the soap bubbles
I can see myself in the bubbles
In the little ones I’m so tiny,
And so fat in the big ones
Big or tiny they are still fun
Floating or bursting,
they are so much on their own.

***

2007-04-11T17:36:00.000+05:30

Just when I was upset for not being creative,
I realize that I'm in fact workin on probably the most beautiful creation.

***

2007-03-30T18:27:00.000+05:30

in a long while i haven't written a good sentence,
nor have a taken a good picture
in a long while haven't drawn a sketch
nor has a beautiful thought touched my mind

The mind is trapped in the bondages that i must've created myself

2007-03-24T11:06:00.000+05:30

Alright. I get it now.
It wasn’t I-Ching that stopped speaking to me.
It was me who stopped listening to her.

2007-03-23T17:00:00.000+05:30

My mind's been thinking so much
my mouth's been yapping so much
that I din't realize when I-Ching stopped talking to me

Ecstasy

2007-03-16T12:45:00.000+05:30

ec·sta·sy - Pronunciation Key - [ek-stuh-see]

1. rapturous delight.

2. an overpowering emotion or exaltation; a state of sudden, intense feeling.

3. the frenzy of poetic inspiration.

4. mental transport or rapture from the contemplation of divine things.

—Synonyms 2. delight, bliss, elation. Ecstasy, rapture, transport, exaltation share a sense of being taken or moved out of one's self or one's normal state, and entering a state of intensified or heightened feeling. Ecstasy suggests an intensification of emotion so powerful as to produce a trancelike dissociation from all but the single overpowering feeling: an ecstasy of rage, grief, love. Rapture shares the power of ecstasy but most often refers to an elevated sensation of bliss or delight, either carnal or spiritual: the rapture of first love.

ecstasy
Origin: F. Extase, L. Ecstasis, fr. Gr, fr. To put out of place, derange; = out + to set, stand. See Ex-, and Stand] [Also written extasy.

1. The state of being beside one's self or rapt out of one's self; a state in which the mind is elevated above the reach of ordinary impressions, as when under the influence of overpowering emotion; an extraordinary elevation of the spirit, as when the soul, unconscious of sensible objects, is supposed to contemplate heavenly mysteries. "Like a mad prophet in an ecstasy." (Dryden) "This is the very ecstasy of love." (Shak)

***

2007-03-15T14:11:00.000+05:30

We make sense once in a while
So I guess it’s OK to be nonsense all the other times

***

2007-03-15T14:04:00.001+05:30

Every morning I wake up
I see life. Staring straight into my face.
So full I donno what to do with it
So empty I donno what to fill it with

***

2007-03-10T17:32:00.000+05:30

To walk alone is easy

2007-03-10T17:17:00.000+05:30

Look down;
concentrate on your feet and the ground.
Raise a foot, put in front of the other. Then raise the other one and so on.
Alright, now when you are comfortable with it, just keep walking, look around, see? You can actually walk without looking at the ground :-)
Oh it gets better -
Now look up, up in the sky, and walk, still on ground.
If you keep practicing this and with faith,
One day you realise you can actually fly.

***

2007-03-08T18:06:00.000+05:30

Oh, you know what, y'day I felt very strange... for a really long time. I donno what it was but I was so damn uneasy rather reckless in my mind that I couldn't read, yeah, I would’ve been able to write some incomprehensibly stupid things.

I started making jewellery and it was worse coz nothing seemed good, no combination of beads no two colours, nothing matched, everything was just so uneasy and uncomfortable in itself.
Well by midnight it was all fine and I actually made a nice gypsy string for neck.

May be it was the birth of the necklace makin me feel nervous.

***

I just found out today..

2007-03-06T12:26:00.000+05:30

that I can drink my pink pink lipstick.

***

Mighty things

2007-03-05T17:05:00.000+05:30

A few moments or things can change the course of life.

A letter never received or a train that's missed
A mail checked and replied
Or simple goodbye kiss.
Tiny little things have the power to change life,
So strong it’s almost unimaginable.
If they didn’t happen the way they did
This life would have been another story.

Some time we identify these moments and
Mostly they go unnoticed.

Such mighty moments with so much magic
And they are hidden so seamlessly in our lives as if it’s all normal

***

Suicide

2007-03-02T16:44:00.000+05:30

Alright some may find it stupid, but its an idea well thought of.

Why does one commit suicide? Coz they probably can't face the situation, don't want to be here and just want to end this life. I think the solution lies there. End this life... Then why not just finish this course of life here emotionally and start a new reality in this same life, may be somewhere far away.
I guess that’s what Paulo Coelho’s Zaheer did.
***

2007-03-02T16:29:00.000+05:30

I increase the volume to the max.
I want it even louder...
All I want from my mind is to stop thinking and listen.

Cross Connection

2007-03-02T16:28:00.000+05:30

A kid spoke to me and asked who I was. I asked him who he was.
He said 'Krishna'

Is Krishna really following me?

***

I wonder...

2007-03-02T16:25:00.000+05:30

Oh I inhale through mouth alright
and smoke comes out of my eyes!
Oh my my!
How does it happen?

***

I wish peace for him...

2007-02-20T12:20:00.000+05:30

Received this shockingly sad news this morning about Bhupenji.

He expired last to last night in a bike accident. Around the same time when my uncle did in hospital. At the same place where he came to receive me on the same bike probably when I was coming back to Kumharpara from Nagarnar from the crafts workshop one late night. At the same place where we had a glass of chay by roadside on that chilly night.

He once waited till late in Saathi to give me company for dinner and we chatted till it was late and the night was cold.

Bhupen Banchhar was one of the 3 co-founders of Saathi, must not be much above 40. Worked in Bastar for about 17/18 years selflessly. I found him honest, innocent, humble, caring, down to earth.

Had he not been there I would've never discovered the Naringi river.

He was the one who dropped me till the Kondagaon bus stop and got me seated in the bus to Raipur for my return journey.
He died on the spot…

***

2007-02-17T13:48:00.000+05:30

I try to search for my life.
In relations, conversations, in a cup of chaay or a walk alone.
Some times I find it in a text messege, some times in an old pic,
sometime I stumble upon it in a latest issue of a magazine.

***

2007-02-16T17:05:00.000+05:30

This crazy though came to my mind today. I looked at people, whomever I saw I imagined that they must be in love with someone now, or sometime in life.
I looked at people, well dressed and illclad, beautiful and ugly, happy and angry... they will all be same when in love.

2007-02-13T13:44:00.000+05:30

Oh. I lost my precious ink pen. I can't write anymore.

There are places...

2006-12-28T13:58:00.000+05:30

I see so many positive signs while I plan this trip to Bastar. I’ve got every little thing from my ‘to buy’, ‘to find’ list, and so easily.

My ticket is booked for tomorrow morning and till 2 hours back I didn’t know where I would go and what I would do.

In shifting I’ve lost many big and important things. And I was surprised to see this visiting card of a sculptor from Bastar, suddenly and literally jumping at me from an old bag. I had bought a few sculptures from him about 6/7 months back in Mumbai.
I called the no. on it, and it worked and the person on the other side was more than willing to help me with directions and showing places. The visiting card belonged to his father, who was in Bangalore at the moment. He too called after some time and kind of told me that I’ll be taken care of :-)
Wow!

This is gonna be a great trip! I’ve got many signs for it and now its my turn to return the gesture – I’m gonna buy a digicam today. I’ll make a film there. wow! And yeah, I’ll take some little gifts for the people there! Yesss! I’m so excited!

Sometimes you plan so desperately for some place but for some reason or the other, it never works. And if at all it does someday, it’s not what or how you wanted or had imagined.

There are places you want and sometimes the place doesn’t want you.
And now I realize that there are places you don’t even know about, but the places wait for you, they do want you.

I guess it’s true with people too.

***

2006-12-23T15:42:00.000+05:30

Allright,
when a flower grows wild it can always survive,
wild flowers don't care where they grow.

But when a bird's caught in a cage, will it forget to fly?

I feel nervous when I think of travelling alone now

:-/

A strange world

2006-12-22T17:52:00.000+05:30

Corporate is a twisted world within world. Far from life but requires humans.

Even before trees drop their flowers down on the ground I doubt that they look around if no security person watches.

Once, life lost its way.
A dog here gave birth to a few puppies. They stayed under a staircase, least used. Puppies are puppies, though their mom was keen on not showing her pregnancy, puppies ran around in the campus playing with people, who were supposed to be robots. All of a sudden one day I can’t see a single puppy here; they chucked them all.
Yeah, how can life grow here? This is corporate
Their mom is tired searching for her kids. Now she lies in a corner without a sound. Looks around sometimes and then lies down hopelessly, helplessly. Donno what they did with the puppies… Hope they only chucked them. Why didn't they chuck the mom too?
Its understandable if you know this world. It is the kids creating the nuisance, so get rid of them; Whether they have a mom or not, how does that matter?

***

2006-12-22T12:48:00.000+05:30

Its almost end of the year. Another 10 days and this year will be replaced by another one. Not that it makes a great difference in lives. Or does it? well not really. New years or B'days or anniversaries are more like little breaks in busy lives. I remember I used to be so excited about my B'days while in school. I would start counting days six month before. Now it doesn't matter. May be I'm growing old.
Not being excited about these special days is good in a way, coz you won't be disappointed if you don't get gifts =) LOL

Nevertheless New year does give you an opportunity to retrospect and to plan resolutions for the year ahead, no matter if you keep them or not!

Last many days have been kind of out of focus. Too many things clouding the mind, too many days occupying the day… OK, more on this some other time.

***

wildflower

2006-12-21T10:33:00.000+05:30

Have you heard this song by Dolly Parton & Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris ?

When a flower grows wild,
it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow

I put this track on repeat and listened to, all my way to office today.

I just never belong, I just long to be gone...

***

2006-12-19T12:58:00.000+05:30

I want to rest now
Or do I want to escape?

I wanna go back..
to where I came from
to how I used to be
to the same old warm little home
to find everyone there just like I left them a few years back

go back to the same old days
to the same lunatic friends
be with the familiar
be where I used to be

or

go to a place, never heard of?
take a route, never noticed before
see people, never seen before
do things, never done before
paint the roads for a living,
paint them with bizarre messages and graphics
have no place or person to call my own
smile and speak with everyone ‘coz everyone is equally alien

May be I should go in search of Azzaro,
the wandering spirit child
even if I don’t find him
I would have lived through many of his worlds

Fuckall place :-D

2006-12-13T16:17:00.000+05:30

Am I in the wrong place doin right things
or am I in a right place, not playing the right games?
Well but then no game is ever right :-)

2006-12-12T16:57:00.000+05:30

'I found my voice', I thought for a moment...
and before I could hum, it faded out

Another old post.

2006-12-09T16:24:00.000+05:30

Why can’t someone just step in and say, That’s It. Its all a MisFit. It should all Stop At Once.

A guy who can’t feed his family is trying to get a job in IT? Why? For what?
Is it a basic need?
There are so many important jobs and so much more easily accessible, available work for him.
Why do people wish to join IT companies when their experience is required somewhere else more critically, and when all they need is just to make both ends meet.
Why do they need to speak English when they actually might even be… beggars?

Why are so many farmers killing themselves for a loan for 20K and so many IT companies getting more funds?
Isn’t a farmer’s job more important than us? Doesn’t he actually feed us?

***

Interview

2006-12-09T16:13:00.000+05:30

[an old post - ]
At 5 PM when I’m just wrapping up the work at office, HR comes to me with a dark, young guy and tells me to interview him, for a post that’s already been filled.

I quickly glanced through his resume. This 24 yr old was HSC pass with some Diploma in animation and just 2 months experience on hand.

He couldn’t join an art school coz of financial problem and right now had no work at hand.

I interviewed him just so that he feels OK, actually to complete the formalities of filling up the assessment form too, that HR wanted.

He wasn’t familiar with the interview process, not good with communication, not much work to show… No questions to ask me, about the work or company.

He did ask me if he fits in, and I answered honestly.

I told the HR that this seems like a needy and honest guy and suggested that we forward his resume to another team working in print etc.
Well I left him there…
How much ever I tell myself not to think so… I do feel that I saw water in his eyes.

***

Magical smiles

2006-12-09T16:00:00.000+05:30

A beggar knocked on the window at a signal today. She had a small baby tied to her shoulder and resting on her waist. I usually I don’t trust these beggars with babies coz you never know if it’s stolen and if they are being used for begging.

This lady’s face was dark and sad, and she continuously stared at me through the glass. To really see if the baby was her, I tried to check their features, and they matched :-) There was a similarity in their faces. In fact the baby was smiling as she begged. It kept looking at her, and at every eye contact it smiled. Sweet smiling baby.

I gave her some money. Just before she would leave, I asked her to stay and took some pictures of her and the baby on my cell. I showed her the pictures and Look! Surprise! Her eyes sparkled and shined! She looked at her baby and showed the pic to him. I gave her few more coins. She left with a smile. I know the smile wasn’t for the coins.

***

2006-12-01T13:08:00.000+05:30

The statues change, people change but all in all they create the same kind of mess.
If I become a president for a day, the first thing I would do is remove all the statues in India, and instead have a few good libraries.

***

2006-12-01T13:03:00.000+05:30

Shut up you outrageous, rebellious heart; put on the headphones and listen to the song!

2006-12-01T12:59:00.000+05:30

Even after so many years of them passing away mum still sees her mom n dad in her dreams. She still is a little girl, my mum

***

I wish

2006-11-29T14:53:00.000+05:30

6th sense is useless n so are all the other senses. I wish only my head worked once in a while.

***

Maitreya

2006-11-28T19:34:00.000+05:30

Didi’s Maitreya, just 3 n a half, is becoming sharper and smarter and lovelier.
After spending a day, dancing on the songs we sung ourselves I was saying bye to him.
And he said ‘Thank You’ to me. I donno how and why he said that.
My eyes were filled with happiness for the time we had spent together, and I could see it reflect in his eyes. He spoke so much with his eyes, it was almost divine.

***

A 'how to' trick

2006-11-28T19:27:00.000+05:30

If I look back to things that stressed me out a long back,
All I see is just memories.
The older the memories, the more power they loose to make me sad
Well, so there is the tact
I look at the situation now as my future memories
So irritating things irritate less
And happy things are treasured carefully

Wierd but works for me :-)

***

2006-11-28T19:20:00.000+05:30

All I want is to be an angel
spread my wings and know what I want

***

Creativity, Independence and happiness

2006-11-28T19:16:00.000+05:30

In the circle everyone seems to be fed up with the work. Everyone wishes to be more creative and start something on their own.
I guess if you leave the responsibility of your happiness to your job, you are disappointed. Be independent, take the responsibility and you won’t nag.

***

Trespassers will be prosecuted

2006-11-27T19:59:00.000+05:30

Why don’t the good times stay?
Even in the good times
Why does the shadow lay?

I don’t know what’s true
Is it wrong me or
A wrong you?

Are we happy now?
Or pretending to be?
How long really this game we play?

Is it me
Or someone else
Why do I wait for the dooms day

***

2006-11-27T19:38:00.000+05:30

Am I affecting you…
Or is it you affecting me?

***

Mind Games

2006-11-11T17:20:00.000+05:30

Wishes are few
but ties too many
Should I give up
Or start a new?

***

mind games

2006-11-11T17:18:00.000+05:30

Something in the mind just doesn’t rest
It wanders and ponders then wonders again
So edgy so thirsty,
it doesn’t want to be on the same plane

***

Nagpur Massacre

2006-11-07T15:21:00.000+05:30

Last month a group of militants attacked a village in Africa, killed people, children and looted the village before leaving.Last week 4 members in a family were killed by the villagers. 2 boys in the family beaten to death and 2 women, the mother and daughter beaten and publicly gang raped to death.The girl who was raped and killed wanted to join Army…The militants in Africa may have their own justification for the attack but why should a village kill its own family?Mind is frozen after I read this article: http://www.shivamvij.com/2006/11/dalits-like-flies-to-feudal-lords.html

What makes a man do such evil? What makes a mob behave this way, like animals? Well even animals don't cross their limits. And after all this, the men will still be free, and the wives won’t question them about a thing.

***

The sad dame

2006-11-06T17:24:00.000+05:30

I met a lady on a networking site. Her profile is pretty disturbing; she’s been thru a lot of mess. Her pic looks more disturbing. Its actually a normal, neat B&W pic, and she isn’t bad looking too. But something about it is very gloomy. I donno what made me contact her. May be her posts to others scrapbook, they were… bitter.
And why did I contact someone who’s so bitter?
I donno.
Something inside told me to.
That’s not me. I’ve never gone all out to contact people on these sites, but here I was persuasive!
May be coz I know I can help her. She’s miserable and Vipassana can help her. Coz I have this simple wish for her, that she should be happy.

***

Birdly mess!

2006-11-06T16:13:00.000+05:30

Two pigeons built a nest on my loft. I’m trying my best to keep them out by closing all the windows before I step out. But they seem to be smarter; somehow, they are already inside before I close the windows.
I remember how the pigeons in a friend’s house killed their small birdie because it was deformed. I din’t want that to happen here. I wanted to save a life here, but then it’s the same thing. If I don’t let the birds be near their nest, the offspring either die of hunger or the lives in the egg become deformed.
I guess one pillu is already dead…I could smell…I feel guilty
The birds still come home, may be they have more eggs there.
I won’t stop them now. I’ll let their natural cycle go on, won’t interfere.

***

Why people waste money?

2006-11-04T15:03:00.000+05:30

...On making stupid movies, and we, watching them!
Watched Umrao Jaan y’day. It wasn’t planned, and I would never have planned for such a movie; it just happened. That’s exactly how the movie is, the misdirection and over or under acting, jarring music, bad makeup… just happened! Lol

Twin roads

2006-09-16T12:59:00.000+05:30

Because of rains the Mumbai roads became really bad, and we invented a longer but comparatively better root through a village. This is a parallel road to the main busy road.
It is so shockingly surprising to see the difference in the 2 roads. One main road, occupied completely with big hi-tech industries and the road parallel is well 20 years behind!
Once you enter this parallel road world changes, you travel back in time and see a different reality. I find it like a place that isn’t bothered about the world around.

Greenery is still not angry with them, they are blessed with a nice little pond, and there is a temple on its bank to guard this little place. What made me feel the difference in this place is its pace… People still walk on their own feet or on bicycles, not hurrying up to reach some invisible destination. Kids still walk down to the school which might be a bit far by our standards. People still have time for idle chitchat. You still see old men in dhoti idling around, sitting and chatting in a shade. When I pass by this road, its almost 10.30 AM and people are bathed and clean no matter whether they have work or not J
Something in this place always reminded me of the place in Africa where Azzaro stays in Ben Okri’s Famished Road.
I found it Poor, Happy, Sad… but unlike Azzaro’s place, mostly content…

Few days back my uncle visited us. In exchange he mentioned that he’s stayed in new Bombay and that all these areas were under his supervision. He very casually mentioned that all this industrial area, including my office, used to be fields. Government bought the land from farmers and the industries were made.
Jobs too were offered to the natives but what can an uneducated farmer work as? A watchman? And how many watchmen are required in a handful of industries?

Now that I know how this village was formed, what they had and now vanished; I feel a kind of deep, lost-ness on the roads.
The now old faces must have been farmers, din’t know what to do with the money they got in return of the lands. Now all the money is gone, no farms to reap from, no education to get a job. The village is filled with tea stalls and petty shops of tobacco, grocery, meat, barber, tailor and at the most a photo studio.
The old men are the generation of farmers, now their knowledge and experience of no use without land. The younger generation is totally lost, without roots and a roof.

I see the village people working for tar roads, driving autos and often wonder how they must feel when they pass by a place that used to be their own piece of land.

***

Indianness

2006-06-12T14:05:00.000+05:30

What exactly is Indianness…? The topic is discussed in almost every design meet without really any conclusion.
My generation is confused.

The seminar in IDC had many graphic artists talk about Indianness in their design; which was mere styling, a superficial display of some Indian motifs.
Is Indianness loosing its meaning? Are people lost who really know the meaning of it?

At the panel discussion except for Atthu and Prof. Dashrath Patel everyone else was either confused or over confidant, with an opinion that if you are Indian, it shows in your design. Heck! If it doesn’t show in your life, how is it going to be seen in your design?

I see large gaps everywhere. When we talk about our culture, is it only Ramayan and Mahabharat? Even if we assume that it helps to know them in understanding our culture, how many of us really know it still? And what happened in-between? When did we really start to loose our culture? And why? Because of invaders? Or is it that our cultures is so rich because of the diverse influences. And now we are loosing it to globalisation.

My generation is confused.
Something is terribly going wrong. Which can’t be stopped.
I feel helpless.

KT once told Mr. Kohei Sugiura that he found India like a huge train going in opposite direction, and he can’t turn it back. Mr. Sugiura had said You don’t need to turn it back, just give it a direction.

Yes I do have a hope.

***

Laxmi

2006-05-19T11:21:00.000+05:30

I met Laxmi Yesterday. While speaking with her many times I felt she’s trying to hide her tears and I found myself doing the same.

Laxmi was always one of the smartest kids from the ‘Outreach program’, started by my previous office for school going kids from the slums.
My maid is Laxmi’s neighbour so never lost touch with her though the Outreach program closed.
One day I heard a while ago that she’s stopped going to school.
That was the thing I always feared of. She was so smart, if she continues studies, she may do well, be independent. I called her home advised her not to leave school…and she too was willing to join back…though it was more in her parents hands. But the next this I heard was that she is sent for work as domestic help. Her parents want her to earn.
In this job Laxmi had to take care of 2 kids [girls almost her age!] Before Laxmi’s elder sister was doing the job for about 2 years and now they needed Laxmi too.

I wonder why.

A week back the lady, the girl’s mom went on a holiday, along with her 2 daughters, and Laxmi’s elder sister. She asked Laxmi to stay back with her husband…!
The very next day little Laxmi came home crying…
She’s been crying all these days, my maid told me.

Laxmi is sure that her elder sister too has gone through this, but never told anyone…

She doesn’t want to go back there. But her drunkard father and selfish mother still want to send her there so they can get some money to fulfil some ‘navas’, a promise made to their god.
They even told her that if she doesn’t go there, she’ll have to make her own arrangements.

I want to teach a lesson to that beast who spoilt the childhood of don’t know how many kids.

I told Laxmi to be strong and straightaway tell the parents ‘NO’.
I promised her yesterday that I’m by her side, and that if she has nowhere to go she can take her bag and come to my house.
I don’t know I’ll solve the whole thing, how I’ll face her mean parents and donno what I’ll say when they simply will ask me to stay away from their family affairs.

All I know is that I want to save this child.

***

The Q

2006-05-15T14:47:00.000+05:30

Last week I went to the airport to see off my younger brother. He was leaving for the UK on some onsite project. He joined the Q, I too was just beside him in the Q but then he had to go ahead to the entrance and I stayed and watched him from behind.

I could intensely feel he was tired of all the running around, tensed, nervous about going to a new place alone.
I remembered how, when in same school I used to go to his class to pick him after the school gets over. I would wait out side his class while all the children came out in a Q. Once while he was in the Q, excited that the school’s over, looking at me smilingly, I told him that he had forgotten to take his schoolbag!

Now he went in silently like a big boy, tried to look back just once, and went ahead.

***

Budhkar Kaka :-)

2006-05-13T18:22:00.000+05:30

Met Budhkar Kaka after many years, almost 6..7… or 8?
But I still knew how he would talk and I knew he would still be a lively person.
I remember, when I was a kid, he had started many activities in the colony. If the colony is green today, its all thanks to him. He even started a young people’s group, activities, celebrations and really made things Happen.
Now after so many years many changes have taken place. I remember, many years back he had suddenly stopped taking part in all the social activities. And since then the atmosphere in the colony isn’t as friendly as it used to be.
Now after so many years I told him how I still appreciate him and his work, to which he said something very nice. He said, We should remember that something good happened, and not the person who made it happen. Don’t keep faith in a person, it breaks. Believe in his principles.
Well these aren’t things I didn’t know before, but it just came from a right person in right context. It all has just increased my respect for him.

***

Things people face...

2006-04-29T12:57:00.000+05:30

I remember a clothes’ shop on MG road Pune where I did ‘Window Merchandising’ for few years/times.
One year the shop owner told me they won’t have a display for Diwali this time. Coz his wife died.
Din’t have a Diwali display but then we did have the x’mas one.
He had a teenage daughter, may be 3/4 yrs younger to me. I remember he asked me to speak to her once. I can’t remember the reason, but he thought I would be able to speak to her and just make her feel better.
Then I tried, but couldn’t meet her.
Now when I look back I can understand how the girl must b feeling after loosing her mom, and how the shop owner must be feeling to have his quiet daughter around, not knowing how to enter her sad world.

***

startin again

2006-04-29T12:47:00.000+05:30

After a long time I visited this blog. And I guess I know why I've been getting so fed up of things. I guess I just need to start writing again.
I also wanna start another blog for Interactive TV. Yep thats wot I work for.
Life since my last post has been good. But since I'm a bit stressed at the moment, I feel that its not been so good.

Strange how the currant moment changes the perception of past.

***

Bliss

2005-06-04T12:14:00.000+05:30

watching a lot of moviesthese days. Gosh! Kya Kool Hai Hum is sso ddamn funny!!!! we saw it twice and still laughed as much!

Well... Work's good, Home's good, health's good, banker's happy...Touchwood.

***

Since quiet some time I've been thinkin of writing stuff. I mean some good stuff. Nothin imaginery or extraordinary [like I can! well may b I really can ;)]
Want to write some thing about life.My life. to be very specific, people, charecters.
I want to write about people I meet, their stories... So many stories around. Every little event can be seen like a story. Well may b thats what the writers do, but this is something thats occured to me, for me its my own innovation and my own knowledge.
I want to write about... Amma, Mehboobi, Atul, Meenal,... enough people to start with.
Alright, writing about it is making my thinking clear.
Will start soon :-)

Carpool

2005-04-13T18:10:00.000+05:30

A Kannadiga guy, singing alongwith Punjabi songs. A Mallu gal, always on mobile, silently. A tamil guy with grey hair, always having something to say about things happening every moment.
And a gal who's just too happy that she's done all the things from her 'To Do' list. Just too happy handling the new responcibilities :-)

2005-04-12T19:06:00.000+05:30

Many things happening. Good and not so good. Well mostly good! Last year has been soo bad that I'm lil careful before feeling happy.
Anyway. I know this one's gonna be a jumbled up scribble. Its been so long since I blogged last time.
Santosh, the other team head resigned. Then I chucked Yes, I Chucked Atul. Same guy whom I was worried about a few bloggs back. He was a nussance for the team lately.
What else, The Carpool! Yes thats somethin interesting. No more do I have to wait or run for the bus each morning. It feels free now. Dependancies to are ties.
Well thats all for now, gotto go.

Ba ba Black!

2005-02-08T16:53:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I saw this new movie by Sanjay Leela Bhansali, 'Black' A beautiful creation that’s all I can say about it. The movie is about a blind, deaf & dumb girl and her teacher and life.
Once she mentions herself as 'created from leftover clay' The topic is handled so sensitively. I remembered those few days I spent with blinds. I couldn't stop my tears all the two hours in the theatre.
I wish that the director makes more such movies and wish that its an eye opener for the other Bollywood directors. Its time film industry reviewed their notions about a good movie.

. . .

Oops! I laughed on a joke about my boss in front of another 'boss category' guy...
I'm feeling so bad now!
I need to be more alert while talking, laughing now. Or do I just need to have a set of expressions according to situations and people. How difficult it is to be a matured, know all person! ... So many things to learn yet...

Only for ladies

2005-01-28T15:17:00.000+05:30

Yesterday I caught the company bus just when it was moving. I got in and saw every seat occupied.
I stood alone.
2/3 guys came after me, went at the back side in the bus and vanished. Someone had already kept place for them.
The men whom I often talk to while travelling by the same bus just looked away. I din't wanna make them uncomfortable so I avoided eye contact and din't show that I had noticed them. I understand they must b above 40 and tired at the end of the day.

I couldn't help myself thinking what I wud've done if I was a guy. Well if I would've seen a girl standing I would've immidiately given her my seat. Emm.. if I was seating beside my girlfriend..? Well then too certainly I would've offered my seat. I wud think twice only if I'm physically unwell...

In Mumbai buses there are few seats resereved Only for ladies.
Yes they have to be reserved as no man really cares. The women have to stand in middle of the sticky crowd, being extremely careful that no one touches or pinches.
Few slimy men still manage to sit on the ladies seats and don't get up no matter how much you shout. At such times the bus conductor is a bit deaf and too busy punching tickets in the other side of the bus.
Sometimes some men are mentally unwell...

Tought things

2005-01-27T15:24:00.000+05:30

Trying to figure out how to be smart and shrewd ... On the job front.
And trying not to take personal life seriously.
I wish there was a unique helpline for each person in the world.

Back on scales

2005-01-19T16:43:00.000+05:30

A young guy in my team hardly cares abt work. Doesn't turn up on time and always ready with all the excuses in the world.

He's young and may be doesn't understand the importance of this job for his CV, his career.

I've to improve the performance of my team and inform my bosses if anything causes a trouble.

Should I be good or should I be right?

Bitter chocolates

2005-01-18T16:02:00.000+05:30

I paid the bill for some cosmetics at a store and almost ran outside as I had to reach the mobile shop in time, before it closes and before Jeeva reaches. Well, while I was running, the customer care guy called me n gave a plastic bag. First I thought I forgot to take the stuff I baught, so I took it. And was running towards the auto. Then I realised I'd already kept the stuff in my purse. So what is it in the bag??? I tried to see inside. Some chocolates! Ok, it must b some free gift, as its a new shop... and continued running
In the auto I saw... The chocolates were carefully selected ones not the kind they would give away for shop inaugaration. Realiesd that it must be somebody else's bag that the shopkeeper handed over. I felt Bad, Guilty... Not really happy for the Free chocolates.

Well I reached the mobile shop. The long awaited Nokia model was finally available. Waited for jeeva, but it was late and the staff in the shop was already leaving. So baught the mobile. Thought it wud be the best surprise for him! :-)
Yeah it must b a fastest decesion I would have ever taken in my life! In a minute I filled up forms, signed papers and paid too.
Jeeva was late, surprised... and disappointed with the tacky looking instrument!

Now I think I should have just gone back running and given the chocolates back...

Missing the glamour ;-)

2005-01-17T16:22:00.000+05:30

Ash asked me y'day 'how do u find yr new job?'
'Oh well..!
I don't have dressy MD or decorated Maharaja like CEO here. Their cabin is not like a king's palace. The pantry doesn't imitate a dhaba.
Girls don't bother if their footwear and handbag doesn't match, And u know wot, its still not a big issue!
Its ok here if you can't move on Rumba, Samba, Cha-cha or jive
No plans for Friday night coz you work on Saturdays.
No one really cares about the Accent. People are happy with mere translation of their vernacular thoughts to English.
No one uses design fundas or loud talks to prove themselves
Do I miss something here? Yeah! Bitching! No one to bitch about and gossip with :-D
People talk what they think or feel. No masks and no sweet lies.
Never have I got the feeling of being watched.
Yep thats the greatest thing. I feel free here.
but certainly I do miss the glamour...'

Saturdays ...

2005-01-15T16:56:00.000+05:30

Since I've changed my job I'm happy! Yeah, creative work, good working environment, Lot of responcibilities, Huge campus of the company, and big food courts!!!
Its Great being here!
but...
Since I've changed my job its a 6 days week!!!
Mondays are not yuk anymore but Saturdays are Sick!

I'm Here!

2005-01-12T18:08:00.000+05:30

After a long gap I've started writing!
I'm back! Wish to be around here for longer this time!
:-)